Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
