I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
