Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
