just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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