We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
