I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the condom got lost in my hair
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
