watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
