apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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