I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
