I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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