Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
