This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize