So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
