Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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