I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
