I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
