I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
