i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
