Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
