you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
