i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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