Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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