Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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