remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
