He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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