dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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