I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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