Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
