I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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