My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
