fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I FOUND THE LEGS
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
