Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
