if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
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She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
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he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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