I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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