After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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