she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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