woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
