i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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