this just has baby written all over it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
