Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
