i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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