Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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