I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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