Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
