So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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