you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
