I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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