There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
