my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
