I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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