I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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