I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
