Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
