I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
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I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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