Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
