my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
