I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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