neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
